This is strange. Unusual and a bit unbelievable, I’m still not quite sure what’s happened or what is happening – but it looks very much as if Maureen has found a friend. Perhaps two, and maybe even three. Which was an impossible dream a couple of months ago.
I started this blog because I needed to express what I was thinking and feeling *somewhere*, even if nobody actually ever read what I wrote. For forty years or more I’ve hidden the ‘Maureen’ side of me from almost everyone apart from the few ‘sex workers’ that I’ve seen professionally, and this has been hard. Sometimes I’ve longed to talk to somebody, sometimes I’ve longed to just get it out, and I’ve often felt a bit hard done by that I’ve had to lock it all up inside me. Because, from where I stand, there’s nothing wrong with it. In fact it’s great fun. I *love* being Maureen. I love being bound and gagged, and I love doing it to attractive women. And there’s never any pain or unwillingness on either side and I’ve longed to meet somebody that I could just be 100% ‘me’ with. Myself and Maureen, integrated, whole. Relaxed. Open. Even when I’m not expressing my ‘kinky’ side, someone that knows it’s there and is OK with that.
And I *may* have found her.
I don’t want to assume too much (and she may be reading this) but I really hope this can go on – although I’m also terrified about what might happen if it did go on. Maureen has always been tightly locked away and compartmentalised, to have her so near the surface is odd and a little worrying. I’m putting a lot of trust in people I barely know – but it feels good, dammit.
In the summer of this year I paid a visit to an ‘escort’ who said on her profile that she did ‘domination’. Now I’ve been to a number of dominatrixes over the years but it’s become clear that they generally don’t satisfy me other than for the moment. And I’ve never been into dungeons, or torture, and – as I’ve posted before – I couldn’t help wondering whether there mightn’t be someone, someone, who would be willing to tie me up for a not-extortionate amount of money.
‘Escorts’ are generally less expensive than ‘dominatrixes’ and I’ve always made it clear that I don’t want sex (in honesty I’m starting to wonder whether that’s entirely true… hasn’t happened yet, though) and so a while ago I started looking at (primarily) Adultwork to see if there was somebody that might fit the bill. One or two almost did, but… then I met Yasmina (not her real name, by the way, nor her professional name).
Yasmina was a bit nervous about tying me up at first – and wasn’t even that good at it – but something about her got to me, even on our first meeting. I mentioned that I liked to tie up as well as be tied and she hinted that she might let me do that to her, so I was intrigued. And I contacted her again some weeks later after we’d both had our summer holidays.
She agreed to see me again, and to let me tie her up, and so I did. And then I went along and did it again. And then we switched, and she tied and dominated me a couple of times (and she does it very well, now that she’s got over her initial nervousness. I *love* being her slave).
And then I started dropping in to see her socially. And she seemed to like me, and we came to an arrangement whereby I would ‘do things’ for her in exchange for reduced rates. And then I ran out of money and carried on seeing her socially, and once or twice those social meetings almost became ‘sessions’.
And then a couple of weeks her flatmate somehow got involved, and Yasmina and I both tied *her* up. And it was *great* fun. And it IS great.
And I’m loving seeing Yasmina, and I miss her when I can’t see her for a while. And then I feel silly, that I shouldn’t feel that way – she’s less than half my age and a prostitute… but damn it, she’s lovely and she seems to like ‘Maureen’. And she even seems to like being tied up – we had a real laugh last week.
I’m not in love with her, of course not – but I do have a massive crush on her. And, late at night, if I’m on my own and have had a few drinks, I start to fantasize and think about what might have happened if I’d met Yasmina 20 years ago…
And so a couple of nights ago I wrote her a drunken letter:
I need to know you, I want to know you. I want to be your friend for a long time. I need to have you in my life as someone I can talk to and be with that knows about the Maureen side of me. I want to be with you, I want have you available, I want to be your friend, and I want you to be my friend. I need you in my life, I’ve been a long time without you.
But I’m not stupid or naive or blind, I know you see loads of men and that you have a boyfriend, I know I’m not as special to you as you are to me. And I’m not looking to have an ‘affair’ with you, or a ‘relationship’ as such, I’m happy for it to be as it is – and I’d feel a lot less desperate if I thought it could go on being like this. I’m kind of grabbing what I can, popping in whenever I can, because I worry it will all go soon and I won’t be able to see you anymore. Oh, I’m sure I could still have ‘sessions’ with you for as long as you continue escorting but I want more than that. I want to see you more than I can afford to pay for and more often than I can find time to. I want to explore all the things that I’ve only been able to fantasize about. I want to feel totally at ease.
Jesus I adore you, I really do. I get an erection just being in the same room as you, and that hasn’t happened in decades.
Imagine… someone you like, someone you admire. David Bowie perhaps. Now imagine that you somehow got his phone number, or met him socially and got the chance to drop in on him at home. That’s what it’s like. A few nights ago you asked me what I was doing last weekend, and I said “thinking about you”. Well I was. Not wanking, just thinking. And imagining.
So I was drunk when I wrote that – but I won’t disown it because it’s partly true.
I’m very smitten with Yasmina, I’m extremely fond of her. I think she’s great. And my number one priority is to not cock it up, to keep her as a friend as long and as much as possible, and to not lose her – because she is very very fantastic. When I’m tied up and serving her, I’m not serving some unknown fantasy goddess in black leather with a whip – I’m serving Yasmina. And I am me, not some persona that I slip into to play fantasy games.
So where will it go? I honestly don’t know but I’m having a lovely time right now. The wife doesn’t know, of course, and would probably kick me out if she found out. Which, on the one hand, I can understand, but on the other hand… my other hand… it’s so unfair that I can’t be truly wholly me anywhere else.
Really not at all sure what Yasmina gets out of this but she genuinely seems to enjoy my company – I assume she’d tell me if she didn’t want me to go round to see her (hopefully by being honest, but she could always say she’s unwell or has a booking if necessary) and in the meantime I’ll keep going round there for a beer on the way home. That’s pretty much all it is on those occasions – ‘session’ stuff mainly stays out of social visits, and I don’t pay her for them (other than in beer) so I honestly can’t think of any other reason she’d want to see me if she didn’t enjoy it. And she says she likes it – she says “it’s fun”. And it is.
So for now, anyway, Yasmina, thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. Because for now, at least, Maureen has a friend and it feels wonderful.